A Moment That Changed Me

Today I’d like to share something very close to my heart. It’s not about academics, teaching, or research—but about how a small moment unexpectedly changed the way I see myself.

It all started with a simple visit to a nearby stadium. There, I saw a girl—probably 16 or 17—running around the track, taking long, confident strides. I came to know that she was preparing for the 5 km race for a state athletic meet.

Five kilometers!!! For someone like me, who was never into sports in school or college, it felt unbelievable. I was amazed by her strength and stamina.

Then COVID happened. But that image of the girl running with such determination kept flashing in my mind whenever I sat idle—filling me with a restless energy.

When the pandemic ended, I came to know about 5k runs organised as part of marathon events. That’s when I finally stepped onto that same stadium track. At first, I just walked. Then I walked and jogged. Slowly, I began to jog and run. One day, I could run 1 km… then 2… then 3.

Finally, I gathered the courage to register for a 5k run—and I finished it in 35 minutes! That was a big day for me—a true turning point.

Encouraged, I set my eyes on something bigger: the 10k run. My very first 10k, at the Hyderabad Marathon in 2023, became a milestone in my life. Crossing that finish line was not just about running—it was about breaking my own limits.

If a person like me—who had never done sports before—could run 10 kilometers, then I realized something powerful: there is so much more I can do in my career and in my life. That was my metamorphosis.

Since then, I have participated in several 10k runs, and each one has opened new doors—not only in running but also in the way I approach challenges and opportunities in my career.

If there’s one thing my journey has taught me, it’s this: the first step may feel small, but it can lead you to places you never imagined you could reach. 🌿

A Message Not Send

 I wanted to send this message after watching a WhatsApp update. 

Hi good morning --------'s mother... My hearty wishes to ---------🎊

It was a noble thing to serve food to the orphanage's children on her birthday. I praise your kindness. But it also made me think of a video I saw long ago. The person in the video narrated an incident when he celebrated his child's birthday at an orphanage. That made him think about how the kids there feel about the celebrations. When enquired the sister there told him that though the smaller kids are happy to attend such celebrations the older ones show inhibition.

Visits to orphanages will help our kids to know their blessings. But witnessing a happy family celebrating their kid's birthday reminds the children there of what they miss in their lives. 

Even though our intentions are pure, to teach our children what they have by reminding another child of what he/she doesn't have is not what we want. I hope you understand.

But I did not send it.

Catching up with the inner child

    It has been that kind of a journey that I took to Chennai, to meet a friend where I happened to catch up with the inner child in me. 

    It is with friends one can be closer to oneself when taking multiple roles in daily
life. A cosy stay with a friend and her companion dog who became mine too over the stay. Rides, photo sessions, cooking, shopping, drinking, dancing, playing in the beach, dressing up sexy and sometimes ridiculous.

          

     Long solo walks in an unseen city, the accidental discovery of an unexpected beach, random friendships at the fish market, on public transport, and attempts to speak the local language.

    Being my own person and caretaker let me feel like an adult, a tourist, a woman, a girl and a child all through those days. Let me feel that there is more in me than I have ever discovered.

How I see them

 

 Some cars are masculine. Say... SUVs

Like muscled men standing ajar.

While some cars are feminine, like the sedans.

They glide away shyly and silently.

                                                         

How reason struck

 I was chanting Lalitha Sahasranama one evening. Trying hard to be mindful, to tie my mind to the words gushing from my mouth. To attain peace and nirvana thereby. Couldn't make much sense... Still...

"Varnashrama vidhayini". Stuck. Something struck.

"One who maintains the varna system".

Brahminical dogma.

I see...

(From then on I relieved myself of that 20 min religious ritual.)

Colour of language

   

 This is something which I wanted to write about for quite a long time. Colours of languages. Though I am a Malayali by birth, Malayalam is not the language close to my heart. I have been taught in English with Hindi as second language. English has been given greater prestige than Malayalam in the schools and the lower middle class society in which I grew up. 

    Moreover, English was considered an escape language. "You can use Malayalam only in Kerala. With English you can go anywhere". That was the kind of encouragement received for English learning. 

    Fluency in English was something that I craved for. I imagined myself talking in fluent English and impressing and astonishing everyone around me. 

    Because I grew up in a village where there was a scarcity of English teachers in the school, where social studies teachers were forcefully assigned to teach English. Plus, I lived in my cocoon not being aware of the world revolving around me, giving unnecessary importance to myself.

    Yes, so English was the medium of my education. And I happened to read more in English than in my mother tongue. Now, a slow reader in ability, who always chews and juices out words and phrases in my mind, reads English faster than Malayalam. 

The poet Kamala Das wrote, "I speak three languages, write in

                                                    Two, dream in one".

I speak two languages - Malayalam and English and bits of Telugu and Hindi. Write and dream in English. Mostly because I have my degrees in English Literature. And partly because English is my escape language. It is through this medium I learned about the wider world. About people, their thoughts and ways of life.

    On the other hand, my mother tongue is linked to my childhood insecurities. It is colourless or always sandal coloured. For me, limited in scope. No adventure. Conventional. Full of cliches.

    

I saw myself as a plain, dark-skinned insignificant person who would look ridiculous if I chose any other colours. The language was plain and direct, any show of emotions was considered shameful. Pinned to ordinariness. Anything out of the way was frowned upon. Because it was the language my people spoke, the language of my family and culture. The village was limited in scope as far as I was concerned. 

    As travel teaches and broadens the mind, it was English which took me out into the world. English became analogous to freedom and a new me and added colour and daring to my thoughts. 

Telugu to me is a loud language with a komban meesa.

Tamil in my ears is a soothing language with the undertones of a flowing river.

Hindi, a 'difficult' friend in need.

Answers

Religion and its practice have been the question. The book Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind by Yuval Noah Harari provided the answers. He calls religion "our greatest invention", made possible by human beings' ability to believe in fiction. Religions give stability to human institutions like marriage and nationhood. Our belief in religion makes it possible to maintain social order.

Here, religion can be anything from Hinduism, Christianity, and Islam to Nazism and Communism. They are all essentially belief systems some of which are based on superhuman laws while others like Nazism and communism on natural laws of natural selection and economics.

Religions based on superhuman laws preach - the existence of an unseen God, heaven, hell, and most importantly fear. Fear of punishment after death, in the next life, karma cycle, and innumerable baseless superstitions. And many of us willingly believe in all of it, bind ourselves to moral codes, and live our lives in constant fear.

“You could never convince a monkey to give you a banana by promising him limitless bananas after death in monkey heaven.” (Harari)

Because monkeys do not believe in fiction. But humans do.

We are super strange beings with a fantastic capacity to believe and act in contradictions. We believe in an 'omnipotent and benevolent' God, the saviour and somehow defend 'Him' ourselves when suffering knocks at us.

Human beings!